Tag: self-control

Try not to know what you don’t know

conorkelLeave a comment

Before my daughter was born, we had her name narrowed down to either Gabriella or Nicole.

We’d shared the options with family, many of whom were willing to have their vote counted.

(We didn’t add friends to the mix, for fear of hearing something like “Nicole?  Oh, let me tell you about this total be-otch I know.  Her name is Nicole.”)

Anyway, young Gabriella was talked about in various scenarios pre-delivery, until she was fully baked and ready to be brought forth onto this planet.

When she did finally make her grand entrance, neither of the front-runners among the names we’d considered seemed apt.

She just didn’t look like a Gabriella.

A few weeks prior, I’d been served my espresso by a Starbucks barista like a sitcom character.   Her off-beat sense of humor made me laugh – and this was pre caffeine…

“What’s your name?”  I asked.

“Olivia.”  She replied.

I didn’t think much of it at the time, but now as I looked down at my newborn, it hit me…

“What do you think of Olivia?” I suggested.

“It’s perfect.  I love it.”  Raya answered.

And so it was.

Good choice too.  She’s definitely an Olivia.

(Nicole became the middle name.)

It’s a perfect reminder that often we try to call it before we truly understand it.

Many circumstances just don’t fit the category we assign them, and only later do we realize it.

As much as I hate to admit it, I’m not that smart.  I don’t know everything that’s going to happen.  That’s why I try to make it a habit to challenge my assumptions.  I’ve learned that I might not always be right, and, [pause for dramatic effect], I’m often happier to be wrong.

So I try not to let what I don’t know run my life.

You hate your job but you don’t think you’ll be able to support yourself if you quit.  How do you know you won’t find something better?

You have a passion for a different business but you think you’ll make more money in your current business, even though you’re bored with it, so you stay.  But you don’t know that you won’t make ten times the dinero in some other gig.

There’s something you’d rather quit (a food, a medication, a business or personal relationship) but you don’t think you can go without.

I can go on…

The philosopher’s mantra of an unexamined life is not the only life not worth living – so’s a life with without experimentation.

You don’t know what you don’t know.

So don’t pretend to.

Put your assumptions to the test wherever possible.

Make things earn their label.

Otherwise you can end up calling it something other than it is.

And after all…what’s in a name?

Happy Assumption-Challenging,

Conor Kelly

P.S.  Think you can’t follow through on a 16-week program to transform the way you eat and exercise?  Try me.  Reply to this email for your complimentary personal training consultation, and let’s find out.

How to have more self-control

conorkelLeave a comment

One of the major tenets of my success philosophy is to limit the extent to which you rely on self-control for getting things accomplished.

This ties into to a revelation in psychology studies that willpower, or more generally *self-control*, is like a muscle that fatigues the more you flex it, and ultimately tuckers out.

Thus, you make better choices by organizing yourself to make fewer choices.

That’s the mantra.

(Check out my post Give Up The Willpower Binge for more on this.)

The flipside to this deeelightful little nugget is you can actually build your self-control muscle for times when some good ol’ fashion, forceful decision-making is required.

In brain science terms, the neural connection between the instinctive emotional functions of the limbic structures and the thinking capacities of the cerebral cortex can be strengthened, lending some additional juice to your resolve.

To this end, experimental psychologists have prescribed everything from journaling food, to money management tasks, to more adventurous themes like avoiding curse words, or never beginning a sentence with I.

Result?

Subjects on these mini power programs are more resistant to the standard pattern of self-control degradation.  They even show improved discipline in their lives…watch less tv, drink less alcohol, eat less junk food, exercise more often, and study longer.

In the same way regular workouts can improve your body, the habit of deploying your self-control in measured bursts can help your brain.

The key is to do this on little things first, then let it expand into other areas of your life in which you’d like more self-control.  Something as simple as brushing your teeth or operating your mouse with your non-preferred hand can turn up your impulse control a few notches.

Here are a some of my preferred self-control boosters…

*Keeping a nutrition journal
*Daily exercise (even if it’s just going for a walk or doing a few pushups when you wake up)
*Reading instead of watching tv
*Going to bed 30 minutes earlier
*Eliminating starches from your diet 1-3 non-consecutive days per week (eat just proteins and veggies)
*Talk to strangers (seeing as you’re not five years old anymore and can probably update Mom’s advice)

And my favorite – if less obvious – self-control adjustment: learn a new language.

Language is one of the most transformational forces on the planet.

(More on this in another email.  Suffice it to say, the hippocampus lights up like a Christmas tree in language learners, affording you improved memory, and easier adaptation as your brain reshapes itself.)

Whatever self-control regimen you choose, start small, with seemingly unnecessary, and emotionally neutral tasks.

Be persistent.

You’ll pick up steam as you go along.

If it becomes a permanent part of your daily routine, then, in the words of William James, “[you] will stand like a tower when everything rocks around [you], and when [your] softer fellow-mortals are winnowed like chaff in the blast.”

Dude could write.

Happy Self-Controlling,

Conor Kelly